I'm wanting to kick myself over and over again for the torment that I put my kids through. My controlling behavior, the need to make sure every little thing is in order and that my kids are following my orders to a "t."
Reminded of the days of my youth. I was terrified if I messed up. If I lost something or spilled a drink, I would get the wrath of my parents. Of course, today they love to sit around and laugh about how I would have panic attacks because I wasn't organized enough in the mornings to get on the bus and would forget something 30 seconds before the bus even arrived.
I can see me doing the same thing to my kids. Although, I don't freak out about accidents I will lose it when they wont wear clothes we spent a lot of money on, or lost something that was expensive (notice money is the issue here), or when they wont eat their dinner or clean their room. All of which I said I would never treat them the way I was treated. Vows, should never make them. Woops! Hard habit to break.
Sofia my darling little angle who is the sweetest of the all caught my ranting about her snow hat being lost. That I had asked time and time again for her to look for it and yet, I know it's gone...she will not find it, but I want her to "feel bad" so she has learned her lesson. In the mean time, she feels bad because she learned a lesson and is now having a panic attacks, feeling ashamed and guilty. Where I differ from from parents is the fact that I do apologize to my kids for my rash behavior. I expect my kids to keep in control and then I act just like a child myself and expect them to just accept it.
Change has to happen and soon. I want to have a good relationship with my kids now. Not 20 years down the road when they've grown up to realize (like I had) that my mom and dad did the best they could and I love them no matter what. I also don't want them as damaged and have to learn how to modify their behavior when they become adults.
I pray that Jesus will save me from myself and direct me to chill out in the future.
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You know, Kristin, I was terrified to to make mistakes growing up. In order to feel like I was encouraging them, I had to change my expectations to a totally different set than my parents... I can honestly say, it has changed MY life and I can see the freedom my kids have to make choices and know that no matter what: Mommy and Daddy love them and WHATEVER it is, we'll go through it together. I hope you find the perfect fit for your kids, too. Expectations and Encouragement are tough languages to learn for each kid....
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